Happily Ever After...

I have been thinking a lot lately about what makes relationships work. Divorce is running rampant in our culture, so what’s the “secret” for those marriages that last? To get some insight, I interviewed five couples (three were represented by the wife only) whose marriages have weathered the storms and remained strong. I hope you gain as much insight and encouragement from their responses as I did.

Couple stats:

The length of marriages among these five couples ranges from 13 to 24 years (the length of time they knew each other before getting married spans from 2 to 10 years). Interestingly, the couple who knew each other the longest before getting married (10 years) and were the oldest when they got married (30) has been married the longest (24 years). Everyone’s ages when they met varied as well, from 18-30 years old.

Children:

Four of the five couples I interviewed have children. Almost every person said that having children was the greatest joy they have shared as a couple. Although it was also mentioned as part of the storms they have weathered, clearly sharing the experience of parenting is something that deeply connects us. One husband mentioned a disagreement he and his wife had about how to handle a bullying situation with their son. He shared, “I explained my position and while she didn’t fully agree, she listened.” This reminded me of the importance of respect--no couple will always agree, but it’s vital that we hear each other’s perspective and work through it together.

Sacrifice:

Every couple had a response when asked about a sacrifice they have made for their spouse. These were big things, especially for the women: moving to another state, not pursuing a career, liquidating retirement funds to support his career, understanding his need for independence...it made me wonder how we make such big sacrifices without resenting the other person. I suppose it depends on how the decision is made--is it truly a joint process? If either person feels forced into something, surely anger and resentment will fester. Communicating about this is so important--and owning our own decisions. No one can make us do something we don’t want to do. But when we make a sacrifice for someone we love and they appreciate it, that’s an amazing experience that truly strengthens a relationship.

I have no doubt these men are making sacrifices too. When asked why they are still married, most of the women said something about the qualities of their husband: amazing, caring, brings stability and calmness, dependable, generous. But if any husbands want to take this as a friendly reminder to appreciate the sacrifices your wives make, feel free :)

Faith:

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that most of the couples interviewed have a strong faith base. Scriptures says, “A cord of three strands is not easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12) and I believe that a marriage based on a foundation of faith is stronger than any other. One couple listed their faith journey as the greatest joy they’ve shared together. Another said their faith has had ‘significant impact’ on their marriage--praying for each other and keeping Christ as the center of their relationship.

Here are some powerful quotes regarding the impact these couples’ faith has had in their marriage:

“Having Jesus as our Lord and Savior and we pray together and He guides us through the ups and downs”

“Without God’s help, and my relationship with Him, I don’t believe we would still be married.”

“When you are lost in the dark, it is the light that helps you find your way back home. It gives us hope and strength during extremely difficult times.”

“I think faith does have an impact in our marriage, in the same way that it impacts our lives; we believe that we can’t just think of ourselves when making decisions and that sometimes you have to work through things and keep your eyes/mind on what you know is right, even when it would be easier to do otherwise.”

“Jesus is our hope and the restorer of relationships and people and we desperately need that!” I couldn’t agree more. We can’t fix all the brokenness that inevitably comes with relationships, but God can.

Advice:

One of the most powerful statements I saw in these responses was that divorce was not an option for many of these couples. This is very encouraging, especially since our culture now is so much about immediate gratification and doing what feels good and giving up when things get tough. Marriage is hard and messy and painful, but also beautiful and amazing and blessed by God.

I’d like to close with the advice some couples shared about the success of their marriage:

“Give each other space, trust and have fun.”

“Marriage is hard, even when it is a good, healthy marriage. You have to be willing to work on it regularly, and weather the periodic storms that will come up.”

“I think everyone just kind of tries to figure it out as they go along! There’s no magic, probably mostly grace and luck.”

“Try to stay calm and do not put up defenses.”

“We take full responsibility that our marriage is going to be as good or as bad as WE make it.”

“I’ve made all the mistakes, said the wrong things, done the wrong things. The only thing I can think of as to why we are still married is that he must love me, and the grace of God.”

“Praying together and for each other has been a big blessing and both of us read Scripture in the morning and I believe that keeps us tuned in to God daily, giving Him a chance to guide us each day.”

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Thank you to all the couples who shared their stories and model healthy marriages. I appreciate the honesty they show in our conversations, because things are never perfect and none of these people ever pretend that they are. But they are committed to making their marriages work, and I respect that beyond all words.