Turning the Page

The other day, a good friend said something that really resonated with me. You know, the kind of comment where you almost hear an echo after it’s spoken and it keeps creeping back into your thoughts for days. Or is that just me? She said, “I don’t think there’s such a thing as closure.” Then she followed that statement with, “You should blog about that.” She is a very wise woman. So here goes…

I hate when people start with Webster’s definition of such-and-such, but I’m doing it anyway. Closure is basically defined in two ways--the act of closing something down and the sense of resolution or conclusion regarding a situation. The first meaning has become a huge part of our lives with the COVID-19 precautions currently in place. School closures, restaurant closures, park closures, office closures….things are closing everywhere and it’s quite bizarre and rather creepy if you ask me. But that’s a whole different blog topic. The second meaning of closure is the one to which my friend was referring. Merriam-Webster (sorry, I told you it was coming) defines closure as “an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality.” Well that sounds lovely! But how often does that really happen?

The conversation with my friend was related to a relationship issue. I was struggling with closing the door, so to speak, on a situation that was clearly unhealthy for me. In my mind, the closure I was searching for was the ability to move on and leave behind the feelings I had toward this person and the situation. But how realistic is that? Do feelings really ever go away? Or do they fade over time? In my experience they do, but then they inevitably creep back in (sometimes more like a sudden blast than a gradual creeping) and knock me down when I least expect it. Grief is an excellent example of that. My dad has been gone for 20 years, but some days my feelings of loss are so strong that I can’t hold back the tears. Does that mean I don’t have closure on my dad’s death?

I wonder if I’m equating closure with forgetting. But I don’t want to forget the experiences I’ve had, even the negative ones, because I have learned from all of them. Reading a book seems like a good analogy here. You can finish a chapter and leave it behind (recognizing that it still happened and using that information as you move forward in your story) or you can keep rereading (reliving) it instead of closing the book when it ends.

I like this description that I randomly found on Google:

Closure means finality; a letting go of what once was. Finding closure implies a complete acceptance of what has happened and an honoring of the transition away from what's finished to something new. In other words, closure describes the ability to go beyond imposed limitations in order to find different possibilities.

Whoa. This makes sense. Maybe it’s more about acceptance of my feelings than forgetting about the whole situation. Not to say that this process isn’t difficult. Accepting hurt, disappointment and rejection is no easy task. Transitioning away from something often leaves me with a “grass is greener response,” lamenting about all of the good things that I’m leaving behind. Going beyond imposed limitations--well that’s uncomfortable! But the promise remains: different possibilities. Better. Healthier. Wiser decisions based on what I have learned from my mistakes (hopefully!). Who wouldn’t want that?

NOTE: Closure may look different for each of us. What we need to get past difficult situations can vary, and that's okay. Don't judge anyone else's path on this journey.

I think I still struggle with the finality piece. Relationships involve people and emotions, which are fluid and always changing. So can things ever truly be final? Maybe our actions can reflect or foster finality when we choose to disengage from the unhealthy behavior or person. Our thoughts about the situation might be a whole different issue, but I believe acceptance is possible with effort and prayer. God tells us to take negative thoughts captive, and isn’t captivity related to closure? Some thoughts need to stay in this “prison” and rot, while others will most likely escape and torment us. And that’s when we need to draw on God’s strength and discernment to move forward to the “something new.” Because that can be pretty darn amazing.