White Space

There is something oddly satisfying about checking things off a list. Confession time–I have actually gone back and *added* items to a list, just so I could check them off. Type A much? I have an ongoing list of tasks on my phone, although these days it’s more of a necessity because of forgetfulness. But that’s another blog topic…better add that to the list.

It was almost a daily obsession, writing everything on a lined Post-It note (I got excited just thinking about those!) and crossing things off as the day progressed. After a while, I realized that my lists were getting longer and at the end of the day I didn’t feel satisfied no matter how many things I eliminated. In fact, I was already starting the list for the next day before my head hit the pillow! Not only that, but the things on my list started to feel forced and burdensome.

Many aspects of my life began to feel like duties to be crossed off a list.

☑ Reading: I never just sat and enjoyed a book, it had to be for a

purpose.

☑ Talking to a friend: I wasn’t present in the conversation, it felt

more like an obligation.

☑ Prayer time: I was just going through the motions of reciting my

requests.

While I was technically getting more done, it all started to feel so empty. Something needed to change. I started by becoming more intentional about what went on my list (and what stayed off). I began praying for patience to be more in the moment, especially when it came to relationships. If I felt anxious, I could write things down on a “to-eventually- do” list so I could take it off my mind but not obsess about getting it done in that moment.

During this time, I discovered a term that I still cling to this day: white space. It means intentionally creating down-time in my schedule. Nothing planned, nothing checked off the list, just an interlude. This is very difficult for someone with a Type A personality who likes to fill the blanks and do the things. Blank space on a schedule literally gives me anxiety, but why? Just because I don’t check a task off a list, does that mean I’m unproductive? Is it a waste of time? Quite the opposite. When I have been faithful to the practice of creating white space, it is so rewarding. I find peace and genuine experiences, like meaningful conversations with friends and escaping to amazing stories in a novel. Everything else can wait.

Quite honestly, this wasn’t a shift that happened overnight. I truly believe that God changed my heart and gave me the ability to overcome the anxiety I was heaping on myself. I still fall into old patterns, and I still have a to-do list on my phone. But it doesn’t control me and I see much more value in the unplanned. And that’s a beautiful place to be.